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part one, old school style



'Whoa man, that crack was loud!' Taylor exclaims, watching Michael crumpled on the ground, his head at a slightly odd angle.
'Can you move your head, Angarano?' he asks with genuine concern.
'Nnnhmmm kkrrrklrrklkrkr...'
'Crap. Perhaps you shouldn't move.....I told you back flips were difficult! Not everyone can do them' he puffs up his chest impressively, his Frenkie Says Relax t shirt straining, his nose seemingly puffing up even more as well.
'Hold on, I'll get help.......Vaaaaaaan?!!'

The door opens with a bang and Van Morrison comes out into the yard in a plaid night gown, with huge shades on, cigar in one hand, large glass of whiskey in the other, Good Vibrations blaring from the inside. Looking from Taylor who is now swaying his hips gayly and making his pecs dance in time to the music to Michael slowly getting up from the ground and rubbing his neck, Van sighs deeply and walks towards the boys, his clogs crushing the rustling leaves underneath.

'Morning, moron twins, remind me again why I'm doing this?'

A surprisingly large twig sticking out from his hair and his head still leaning weirdly to the left, Michael mumbles 'Because you believe in love.....and you know I love her...and she still loves me' he finishes fiercely.

'True, my athletically challenged friend, true. But I also believe in lust and good, quality sex, leading to world class sex hair. Which is what's keeping Kristen away from you and tangled in Rob's sheets' he raises one eyebrow above the rim of his shades challengingly.
Michael goes silent.

The Beach Boys go silent too and Beside You, one of Van's own songs starts playing in the background.

'This is Rob's favourite song, you know' Taylor says quietly.
Van's indignant eyebrow wavers in it's determination at the sadness in Taylor's voice.
'And do you remember what you said about this song?' Taylor goes on. 'You said it was a love song, just a song about being spiritually beside somebody. I'm beside him every minute of the day, in my head. Ok, maybe not when I'm doing back flips cos you really need to concentrate then' he casts a meaningful glance at the grass stain on Michael's left cheek 'or when I'm bleaching my teeth cos that's just too important, but apart from that...I think about him constantly.'

Van's eyes fill up with tears behind the shades.

'After all this time, Taylor?'

'Always.'

Van slumps into a garden chair, Taylor and Michael following suit.
Draining his glass, he pushes the shades up to look at Taylor with affection.
'Nothing's changed, just because he's fucking the twitchy, blinking mullet girl' - he squeezes Michael's arm reassuringly. 'She is inconsequential' - a quick, apologetic glance at Angarano.
You know why him and you can never be. You know who he thinks about when he listens to Beside You....spiritually, physically, in any way imaginable, he is always beside.....him.

Everything is quiet. All three are thinking about the same person, seeing the raven hair in their minds...Michael's eyes hopeful, Taylor's impossibly sad and Van's wistful.

'It's always Tom.'

All three are so absorbed in their thoughts that at first no one realises the words were spoken out loud. Then Taylor frowns and looks up, letting out a loud girlish shriek as he sees a dark haired girl standing in the yard, staring at them.

'Who the fuck are you?' he squeaks.
'I second that question, young trespasser' Van says and puffs on his cigar.
Michael tries to lean his head to the right and fails, yelping in pain.

'What do you mean who am I?' the girl glares at Taylor. His eye twitches as his mind stuggles to place the oddly familiar voice and the crazed, deadly stare.
'It's me, twerp'.

Taylor rises from his chair shakily, realisation dawning on his face. Reaching down, he sticks a finger in some mud, then slowly draws two impossibly thick eyebrows where the girl's own eyebrows have clearly been shaved off.

'It's....it's you' he covers his mouth with his hand and staggers back into the chair.

A wide smile spreads across Eyebrows' face.
'I see I am just in time. So, you want the skank back' she looks at Angarano.
'You', looking at Taylor 'you will always want Rob.'
'And you' she turns to Van with a polite smile 'You want to help these losers and are a sucker for a lost cause. But you also feel energy and creativity pulsing through your vains just thinking about Tom....the artist in you cannot help responding to such beauty. You need to see him. He will bring on your comeback song. Yup, I'd say I'm right on time.'

'Won't you pull up a chair?', Van smiles, sliding the shades back down and putting his feet up on the table.

 


I know its totally like before but i just love this group of people lol

Mar. 31st, 2009


'This is the prettiest hotel room I've ever seen', Bert giggled, then flopped backwards on the bed.
It made a loud squeaky noise.
'It' s a dump' Tom answered gently, smiling fondly at the completely wasted Bert whose eyes were now half covered by the beanie, his lips spread into a wide, blissful smile.
'I don't understand why we're hiding from the paps anyway' Nikki said. 'Who cares if they see us and take lots and lots and lots of pictures' she looked into the mirror, trying to sex up her hair.
'I care' Tom said, his eyes never leaving the hot drunken mess on the bed, just narrowing slightly at the suggestion. 'He's completely smashed, can't even walk straight. I will not give them the chance to talk another load of rubbish about him in the papers tomorrow.'
'OK, OK, you're right' Nikki said soothingly and sat on the bed next to Bert. 'So now what? It'll take ages for them to leave...hey, you guys wanna watch me and Kristen make out again?'
'I think I'm going to be sick' Bert groaned trying to stand up.
'I'll come hold your hair' KStew said helping him get up, copping a feel in the process. Once in the bathroom, Bert pushed her face away and out 'I got it, I got it.'

Ten minutes later, Bert comes out, an even wider smile on his face and something scribbled on his forehead. 'What is that, love?' Tom asks gently, tracing his fingers up Bert's cheek and brushing them across his forehead. 
'It says I LOVE TOM.' Bert announces happily. I found a special pen in my pocket. And I love you.  So I wrote it.'
An amused smile playing about Tom's lips, he whispers ' I love you too, silly' and tries to get the writing off.
'It won't come off' he says, puzzled.
'Nope' Bert says happily. That's the point. Just like my love for you, it will never go away. It's forever' he leans in and places a softkiss on Tom's lips.
Still amused and touched, Tom can't help but frown - 'God, we cannot let the paps take a pic of this. We'd never be left in peaceagain. Shit. What are we going to do? We have to get that thing off his forehead somehow and get him out of here without those asses noticing him. Shit, shit, shit.'

'Well, there's only one person no pap in the world is interested in. Someone who wouldn't get photographed even if he was with Bert himself. You know who I'm talking about, right?'  
Tom sighs heavily. 'I'm not able to help but I'm supposed to call THAT guy and admit it?'
'You're doing it for Bert, remember?' Nikki says, then turns to KStew - 'OK, quick, let's get out of here while the paps are still outside. Good luck!' she shouts at Tom and the door bangs closed behind them.
Ten minutes later, there's a knock on the door. Tom sighs again, looks at the half awake Bert lying on the bed and goes to open thedoor for Taylor Lautner.

Tom and Taylor stand facing each other in silence.
After a while, Tom says through gritted teeth, with great difficulty 'Thanks for coming.'
'Oh well, I know you wouldn't be able to help him...so I guess he really needs me, doesn't he?' Taylor winks and walks past Tom and into the room. Tom closes the door, steadying his breath and turns around.
'Get away from him, there's no need for you to get on that bed'.
'Don't you want me to get that stuff off his forehead, then?' Taylor smirks.
'How are you gonna do that, it won't come off for days.'
'It will with this' Taylor produces a tub of some cream.
'What the fuck is that, then? How do you know it will work?'
' If you had 'loser', 'sharkwank' and 'buttfug' written on your forehead as many times as I have, you'd find ways to take stuff off too' Taylor says bitterly.
Tom fails to supress a loud giggly laugh.
'Oh you find that funny, do you?' Taylor slowly brushes Bert's wild hair off his forehead, slowly, taking his time, raking his fingers through the tresses.
Tom inhales sharply and takes a step towards the bed.
'Just do it already.'
'Mmmmm' Bert murmurs drunkenly, responding to the touch.
'See, he likes it' Taylor whispers as Tom grimaces in pain.
'I swear to god, if you don't just put that cream on him right now, I'll....'
'Relax, relax, okay' Taylor leans over Bert and rubs some of the cream into his skin. Again, slowly, sensualy.
'There, it'll be off in a minute. Maybe I should take his clothes off..to check if he hadn't scribbled stuff someplace else as well'.
'Okay, that's it' Tom takes another step towards Taylor.
'Tom, what's wrong?' Bert slurs, half awake ' why are you angry, love'.
Taylor winces at the term of affection.
'Don't worry about Snowhite here' he says 'He's just jealous.'
'Of course I am.' Tom's voice is velvet again, under control, a musical murmur in the crappy hotel room. 'You don't have the faintest idea how much i wish I could do what you're doing for him, cream-boy'.
'At least you know he wishes it was you' Taylor whispers sadly.
'True' Tom agrees.
'Can...can I ask you something?'
'Go ahead'.
'Does he ever think about me or mention me?'
Tom sighs and sits down on the bed, other side of Bert.
'He does. More often than I like. He worries that you're unhappy and getting buggered by Van. He knows you love him and feels guilty.' Tom looks straight into Taylors eyes. 'He feels guilty for not loving you back' he says gently, but firmly. 'But you can't help what you do or don't feel.'
'But....I know I could really make him happy. Not a single paparazzi in the world is interested in me. You're all over the place with this whole TBTR deal now. If he was with me, no one would ever take a picture of him again. He would be free to walk the streets, play the bars, enjoy life again...be Rob. You love him enough that you have to see the advantages of that plan. He thinks that you're very unselfish...are you really? Can you consider the idea that I might be better for him than you are?'
' I have considered it', Tom answers quietly. ´I even tried to end things for a while. He cut off his hair and even went as far as to sleep with Eyebrows, punishing his body and soul. I just drank myself into a stupor. Neither one of us can...exist without the other. We fit together perfectly. Both of us can endure anything, anything, as long as we know the other one is waiting. He is my everything and I am his. As long as he wants me, I'm here. And I want him for forever.´
Tom looks over at Taylor, a happily sleeping Bert between them. 'I'm sorry' he whispers.
'So am I', Taylor whispers back, looking down.

Ten minutes later, one of the paparazzi waiting in front of the crappy hotel lifts his head.
'Who is it?'
'No idea...d'you recognise him?'
'Let me see.....no. It's no one.'
'Who's that with him?'
'Who cares?'
Taylor and Bert walk past them. Not a single flash goes off. Taylor smiles, being no one, saving Bert.

Ten minutes later, Tom comes out of the hotel.
'Oh, look, it's that TBTR guy, RPatz's friend.'
A dozen flashes go off.
Tom thinks about Bert who will be waiting at home for him. And smiles for the cameras.
 

fanfic - final installment



yay. bit rushed and longer than I wanted (I like it short and sweet so I can drag out the moments I enjoy) but there were loose ends to tie.

It works better if you´re familiar with parts 1 and 2 (and if you don´t´- shame on you:)), lemme bring you up to speed, in a nutshell: Eyebrows is eeeevil. Her plan is to get Taylor to seduce Bert (fails miserably, cos Taylor is not evil, just very very dumb) and for her to seduce Tom. Tom and the plaids decide to pay Bert a visit on the NM set and while waiting for them to arrive the next day, Betr goes to have a drink or two. Oh and a French book of poetry is kinda important...and Van Morrison makes an appearance in a way too.
It also helps at this point if you´re familiar with the fentastic ´cats die´ clip, if not, here (starts 1:25)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghLHmKx6SYk
So, yeah. Hope you like it, I enjoy writing it.

Lots of love,

Bertcrotch

A dark shadow was moving silently through the New Moon set. Suddenly there was a panicked meow, which was quickly muffled and followed by a kitty-cat cry of pain. 'Shut up, you asshole' a female voice cursed. The shadow started running and didn't stop until it reached an abandoned shed. The door creaked open and the girl threw the cat in. It immediately opened its mouth to start meowing in distress but one look at the girl's eyebrows silenced it right away. The eyebrows loomed closer and the cat wet itself. 'And STAY quiet!' the girl growled, then walked out and closed the door silently. The cat was standing on newspapers with a headline 'Young star gets re-hired for Twilight sequel' and kept peeing right on the picture of Taylor Lautner's smiling face.

 Morning.

An emotionless, manly, loud scream tears across the movie set. 'Kristen', Chris Weitz raises his head and walks out to meet his leading lady.
'Chris...no, what..I don't even...cat...I don't understand what you're...it's missing..I can't even, you can't, what, my cat...what!'
'Your cat is missing?'
'Wow, you got that? See, when I did that in the hospital scene, no one knew what the fuck I was talking about. Anyway, look, there was a note in my trailer.'
A crowd has now gathered around.
'Dammit Kristen, how many times have I told you not to smoke pot in your trailer and then leave your stoned cat in there overnight?' Weitz asks and reads the note out loud 'I told you cats don't even live that long and that you didn't have much time with it left. Cats die.'
The crowd gasps in horror and suspense.
Right that second Eyebrows walks up.
'Taylor is missing too.'
Another gasp.
'What do you mean, missing? He was supposed to be here already, he knows it takes 17 hours to attach all the fur to him for the special effects. They're never gonna let us shave another wolf.'
'He is gone. He left a note saying he couldn't live in pretence and that only one night of passion wasn't enough. All he left behind is this book' she hands the French edition of Baudelaire's poems to Weitz.
'There is a stain on it' Eyebrows continues coldly 'and I think it's a clue. So I licked and tasted it. It's Taylor's sperm, I have impeccable memory in that respect. Whoever the book belongs to slept with Taylor and broke his heart so now he is gone.'
The crowd gasps. Someone gags. Kellan raises an eyebrow, smirks and looks at Camilla with new-found interest.
'But who....who was it?' Weitz breathes, hanging on every Eyebrows' word. The crowd leans in.
'Robert Pattinson' she spits the name out with disgust.
'Yeah?' a weak voice comes from behind.
The crowd gasps, someone screams as they all turn towards the voice.
Bert cringes at the scream.....'Mate, tone it down, I beg of you.' Clearly worse for wear, he is sporting a stubble, his Raybans and the messiest hair imaginable...it's sex personified and several people jizz in their pants. 'Fuck me, the boy is a star' Weitz thinks but out loud says 'Robert. You killed Kristen's cat. Carelessly, you had sex with a young impressionable, dumb boy and broke his heart and ruined my set. What do you have to say for yourself??!'
The silence is almost unbearable as Bert just stands there, trying to focus, until another voice speaks quietly from behind him.
'Well? Rob?'
Bert turns slowly around and finds himself looking into Tom's eyes, confused and full of questions.
'Tom. You're here...' Bert reaches out a hand to his friend but is grabbed by Weitz who starts dragging him into the office 'You and I are going to have a word, young man.'At the very same time, Eyebrows slowly takes Tom's hand and says sweetly 'You must feel so confused. Hurt and betrayed...come with me, I'll explain everything.' Tom pulls his hand away from Eyebrows' but follows her, casting another look back at Bert. The distance between them grows and grows as they are led in opposite directions.

 Evening.

The shed door creaks open. The cat starts shaking, then sees a bunch of friendly faces staring at it. Relieved, the cat jumps up but starts heaving.
'Quick, give me those papers with the Perez article, I think it's a fur ball.'
Someone shoves a paper in front of the cat. The article on it says 'Pressure too much for the missing Twilight and New Moon star' and the cat throws up a fur ball right on the picture of Taylor Lautner's smiling face.
'What....the FUCK is that?' a boy's voice asks.
'A fur ball.'
'No, no....no, it's not. Look, it's an......it's an eyebrow ball.'
'I knew it, I knew it was her. That's it, I'm getting my cock stapler of doom ready.'
'Someone fucking remove that thing before I hurl my Danish.'
'Mama guevo' someone swears and picks the cat up, cradling it gently.
'This shed would make for a nifty little strip club, my wifeys.'
'No time for that right now...later. Now, we go deal with Eyebrows' the girl holding the cat says, her eyes open wide in determination, making her look positively Daliesque.
Everyone piles out of the shed and the door slams shut, making the gossip papers on the floor rustle. The page now on the top says 'Van Morrison reports a drunken fan sleeping in his bed but later drops the charges without revealing the identity of the intruder.' A pigeon sitting on a beam cooes then drops a runny turd right on the picture of a face with a big question mark over it.
'He would never kill a cat' Tom says drunkenly, lying on Eyebrows' bed in her trailer 'Never, ever. He is the gentlest person I know. As for the sex stuff...maybe. He can't help having that effect on people. But kill a cat? Not Rob.' He opens his eyes and finds himself staring at a lifesize picture of his naked behind from A Waste Of Shame on the ceiling and pauses for a second, frowning. 'Eeeer....anyway....this whole thing doesn't make sense. I'm going to go talk to him.' He starts to get up.
'In a minute' Eyebrows purrs as she crawls towards Tom and straddles him. 'Forget about him for now, just relax.'
Tom giggles drunkenly. 'Woman, I'm pissed, but not pissed enough to sleep with you...I've turned you down once before. Just....stop.'
'No! Never! I will never stop. We must mate....now' she reaches down to unzip Tom.
'Jesus, lay off! Did you just say we must mate? Right, get off me, you're even weirder than you used to be. I can practically see my reflection in your super-shiny forehead.'
'You see these?' Eyebrows points at her eyebrows.
'Rather hard to miss, them'.
'Why, thank you. Them, and the fact I know Bert are the only noticeable things about me. Without them, I am nothing. But if I combine them with your eyelashes....your beautiful thick eyelashes, we can create something truly special. Only you are worthy of me. We shall create the most beautiful child the world has ever seen. The child will go on to achieve great things.....play some of the greatest roles of our time.'
'What on earth are you talking about??'
Eyebrows quickly takes her jacket off to reveal a TEAM RENESMEE t-shirt.
'Aaaaargh' Tom screams, shielding his eyes.
'You must give in to me' Eyebrows screams as she unzips him 'You must give in to me!!!'
A sudden blow from the side sends her flying off Tom.
'You must shut up.' Ais says, accepting congratulations from all the Plaids for her karate side-chop.
Tom opens his eyes and finds himself staring into the familar brown warmth of Tech's eyes.
'Oh, thank god', he says and they touch foreheads.

 Struggling back to consciousness, Eyebrows can hear unfamiliar voices.
'Can we get this thing over with already, I've almost forgotten what Bert tastes like. Boobage, can I borrow your red lipstick? I want to leave some nice Bertcrotch marks on him.'
'Course you can...oh, look, she's waking up. Jae, the light!'
A harsh light shines right into Eyebrows' face as she blinks trying to see the faces surrounding her.
'Eyebrows...welcome to your trial. Plaid style. You have no right to speak. But you better listen. The Plaids will deliver their opinions on you...and simply state facts. Then you will realise how gross you are. Sara...care to begin?'
'You fail and suck at everything, mostly life.'
'You are waaay to greasy, man.'
'You're a talentless, fame-hungry, name-dropping whore.'
'Your eyebrows block out the sun and we enjoy sunbathing.'
'Charles Darwin is dead so there's no one to explain this new mutant-eyebrow version of human species.'
'You lick dried off sperm stuck to French boks of poetry.'
'You give caterpillars a bad name.'
'We can prove you stole the cat and Van Morrison made Taylor explain everything to Weitz on the phone. Bert never slept with him. The stain was from a wank Taylor had over Bert. You just caused a shitload of aggravation for a shitload of people. And you tried. To mess. With Tom.'
'Okay, easy there, Tech.'
'But possibly even worse than that......you effin like Breaking Dawn.'
'Do you see how gross you are...do you??'
Bushy, eyebrowy silence.
'Nah, man, she doesn't get it, let's just shave off her eyebrows and threaten her to stay away forever. Then we find some vodka and go back to that little shed for some Lexi striptease'.
'Yeah, all right. Dottie, stop playing with the razors, we've got work to do.'

Evening. Plaids pile out of the shed drunkenly.
'What on earth...?' Jacqui mumbles as she sees Fabio approach, wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a cardigan, a hoodie, a hat and a coat. 'Fab-babe, are you doing the sweat-diet again?'
'No, playing strip poker with Art and Tech. This way, I have all these extra clothes to take off....see, not just a pretty face under amazing hair' he winks conspiratorily.
'Oh, here they come', Jacqui points to Tech and Art, each wearing just jeans and a t shirt.
'Ready, big guy?' Art smiles at Fab.
'Yeah, man. Erm...is that all you're wearing? You'll be in your underwear in no time.'
'Who says I'm wearing underwear?'Art says and Tech smiles at Fabio really, really wide.

 'So, which one is he?' Van Morrison asks Taylor as they sit under a tree and hands him the vodka bottle.
'That god over there' Taylor points at Bert with the bottle, then takes a huge swig out of it.
'I see. Nice, very nice...but personally, if I had to, I think I'd go for that black-haired beauty over there. God, he's a walking inspiration, isn't he?'
Van follows Tom's gaze and only takes a second to understand the look between him and Bert.
'Oooh, is that the.....oh, you're screwed, son.'
'Don't I know it. What am I going to do?' Another huge swig from the bottle. 'He is still my reason for living.'
'Oh, you'll suffer quietly. And take comfort from the fact that he exists and hope that he is happy.'
'Is that enough?'
'No. But it'll have to be. Welcome to real life and heartbreak....You can draw on it, though, cos it's the most real thing in your life. It'll make you a better artist. And surely that's a good thing. Cos, son, you sucked in Twilight.'

 Taylor, Van Morrison and the plaids watch Tom and Bert walk slowly towards each other, matching smiles on their faces, the distance between them smaller and smaller. Bert reaches out and strokes Tom's cheek with his long fingers, making Tom close his eyes and lean his face against Bert's palm. They stay like that for a while until Tom's hands slowly grab hold of Bert's hips and pull them closer until they're touching his own. Leaning down, Bert kisses him lightly, then deeper and longer in response to Tom grinding against him harder.
'Mmmm...TomBertcrotch' says Michelle 'but........what the heck is naked Fabio doing here, look!'
´Who cares, man, look at the hand porn of Bert´s hand in Tom´s hair.´
Jacqui walks past kissing Tom and Bert and pats now naked Fabio on the back.'Over already, hon?'
'Yeah, they're little monsters. Art actually won his wooly hat so is wearing more than he did when we started off. And Tech won my hat from me. I suck at strip poker. Lucky I look amazing naked.'
'Aw. never you mind. And your hair is still the shiniest....all over.' She winks at him knowingly. 'Come, let's get you drunk.'
Zoom out on the scene of general merryment, love, sex, laughter, vodka and music, plaid-style.

Three years later.

 Entertainment section of news.

'A somewhat stale Oscar night was shaken up after the acceptance speech by young star, Taylor Lautner, winner of the best male last night for his role of the gay hobo in The Hobo That Broke My Heart. He was presented the award by last year's joint winners for What Wicked Dreams May Come, the acclaimed horror-meets-Sleeping-Beauty movie experience, Thomas Sturridge and Robert Pattinson. Taylor accepted the award sporting a long beard and, eyewitnesses tell us, smelling of beer. He shot a long glance in the direction of the devastatingly attractive Pattinson {with red lipstick marks on his neck} when he mentioned that 'releasing my inner hobo has been an incredibly painful...but also the most liberating experience of my life'. The biggest surprise of the night followed right after his speech when he thanked the Plaids and the usually tame and poised audience erupted in whoops and cheers coming from a group of girls sitting in the front row, strangely all wearing plaid shirts and Rayban shades. They appeared to be led by the director of the last year's triumph What Wicked Dreams May Come, Tech, and were also joined by the bright young star Arthur Sturridge, the Old Etonian, Eddie Redmayne and bizarrely, the aging star, Van Morrison. Many were perturbed by the incident but everyone agreed that despite the mayhem, the 'Plaids' emanated a general feeling of joy, love and pure greatness. Long may they reign.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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